Grace Vineyard Christian Fellowship

Who Can Understand God's Ways?

For about 25 years, I have had on and off symptoms of something being out of order in my digestive tract. From cramps, to bleeding, to other things I would rather not mention, I knew something was wrong. Over the years I was tested and nothing could be found wrong. Two years ago, however, a doctor finally diagnosed me with ulcerative colitis. He immediately put me on two different medications that I would need to continue taking for the rest of my life. Initially the meds worked well, but earlier this year the colitis flared up so badly the doctor had to increase my dosages. This helped some, but did not eliminate the symptoms completely. 

Late last year I became pregnant. So one Sunday morning I went up for prayer requesting that I would be able to stop taking the colitis medications during the pregnancy. After prayer, I took a step of faith and went of the meds for a week, but the symptoms only intensified; therefore, the meds remained part of my daily life.

Fast forward several months:

On Wednesday, July 1, I went to pick up my daughter, Autumn, from a sleepover at the Saddler family's house. The girls there had an awesome time of fellowship and revival the night before, and Kathy Saddler and the girls were very eager to share with me all they had experienced. Kathy then asked me, since I was now 33 weeks pregnant, if she could pray for my feet. I had a broken toe at the time, so I said yes, and added that she could also pray for my colitis. Kathy and some of the girls from the sleepover gathered around me and prayed. Nothing earth shattering happened during the prayer--no tingles or bolts of lightning. It was a just sweet time of prayer, and I was filled with thanks for Kathy and all the girls as we left for home.

It was the next day, Thursday, unknown to me at the time, that I believe the spirit of the precious baby boy in my womb had gone to be with Jesus. I was not aware of it until the following day, Friday, when I awoke in the morning with a “knowing” that the baby wasn't moving. I waited throughout the day for any hint of movement from within me, but there was none. That evening my husband and I went to the hospital where our dreaded suspicions were confirmed. 

Our baby was delivered stillborn Saturday, July 4.

I wasn't allowed to take my colitis medicine while in the hospital. And after I returned home, I only took one pill the first day or two. Because of the deep sadness I felt over loss of the baby, I really didn't care if I took the meds or not. In fact, in sort of an "I dare myself" mentality, I quit taking the medicine altogether. I had been on the medicine daily for the past two years. 

Amazingly, all glory to God and praise to Jesus my Healer, I have not taken any medication in over two months and have not had any symptoms of the colitis whatsoever.

I would like to say I am elated over this healing or remission, whichever it is (only time will tell). If I had been healed the first time I went forward for prayer, I would have been shouting from the rooftops. But because the timing of this healing coincided so closely with the death of our sweet child, I have not had the same joy I might have had if the healing had happened as a singular event. 

I have gone back and forth in my mind wondering why the Lord would heal me of my disease, yet allow my child to die. It was/is just not a good tradeoff in my mind. I have thought, as well, that I would rather have the disease back if it meant allowing my child to live. I have mulled this over inside out and upside down, realizing in my heart I may never know or understand why it all happened the way it did. But as the horrible sting of losing my baby gradually subsides, I am having an easier time thanking God for his gift of healing in my body.

We can know from the word that God uses the good and the bad for our benefit. Romans 8:28 reminds us that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. So in good times, and in bad, I will praise him. Job 1:21 states, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." 

So in my healing, I will praise the Lord; and in my mourning, I will praise the Lord.

"I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continually be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1

It has been awkward mentally processing the tremendously sad loss of a child and the miraculous, blessed gift of healing at the same time. The following verses have reminded me, though, that God's ways are often beyond our comprehension, and I must not mentally wrestle with the whys, hows and what ifs. I must just allow God to be God.

Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Romans 11:33-36

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.

Mitzi Lowe

9-25-09